This is a question for all the neurotypical people out there: have you ever come away from a conversation with someone and thought “Well, they were a bit rude!”? Mostly likely, I’m guessing, given the amount of interactions we have in day-to-day life. Of course. they might have just been rude. But there’s also a possibility that they weren’t. What if you just thought they were rude based on your idea of ‘normal’ communication.

Every culture has their own widely accepted ‘norms’ of social behaviour. A combination of body language, tone, timing, and content. You break the rules, you might be regarded as inappropriate. These social communication difficulties are commonly associated with neurodivergence and brain injuries. People who struggle to process and respond to verbal and non-verbal social cues may put their foot in it, by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, or come across as blunt, hostile, or even aggressive. They might not understand the subtle cues someone gives you when they need to leave, but don’t want to directly say it, or realise someone is uncomfortable or bored of their topic of conversation.

Other social communication problems neurodivergent people struggle with can include:

• Understanding turn taking and back and forth exchanges in conversations. This could mean one person can talk too much, or not enough, because they haven’t recognised when it’s their cue to speak.
  
• Interrupting people can be a sign of a struggle with impulse control combined with a fear of forgetting, tendency to think out loud, and the aforementioned difficulty in reading social cues during a conversation.
  
• Conversational topic maintenance – i.e. Keeping a conversation going and not flitting from topic to topic. Difficulties with attention, emotional regulation, executive function and working memory can sometimes impair a person’s ability to stay “on topic”.
  
• Fixating on certain subjects or speaking only about themselves is normal among neurodivergent people and never personal. They might just be fixated on their special interest and missing the social cue that it’s time to ask you a question. Take it as a compliment that they’ve dropped their mask and opened up to you about a topic they love.
  
• Lack of filter. It can sometimes be common for a person who struggles with social communication problems to cross a boundary and come out with something inappropriate. This could be to a lack of understanding about what the boundary is, or impulsiveness. If you find yourself on the receiving end of this kind of situation, help them out and tell them your boundaries directly.
  
• Jumbled up information – like jumping from one timeline or topic to another, or assuming the recipient knows what they’re talking about. It can be hard to keep up these communication challenges, which are normally the result of divergent thinking and speech, language processing differences, or executive function challenges. If you can, try to summarise what they’re saying concisely, to make sure you’ve understood.
  
• Missing social cues, but also impulse control, hyperfocus and overwhelm can lead to perseveration – when someone gets “stuck” on a certain topic or idea. It can be difficult to help people become unstuck when they’re in perseveration mode, and it’s important to bear in mind that they might be in a heightened state of overwhelm or anxiety. In cases like this, understanding and empathy go a long way.
  
• Not understanding non-verbal cues. If you pull a face at someone, or turn your body away, they might take that as a cue to give you space. But some people have trouble reading faces, especially when people use expression oh so subtly. If you’re communicating with someone who struggles with this, use words, not actions, to get to your point.

If you come across a situation like the above, it’s important to remember that many of these difficulties are beyond their control. Before jumping to the conclusion that they’re “just rude”, think about how you can adapt your own communication behaviour to see if you can get a successful outcome. Be direct, use words concisely, say what you mean, don’t rely on body language, and enjoy the moment. Successful communication between neurotypical and neurodivergent people can sometimes be a little bit “out of the box”, but it’s also incredibly interesting, and both parties may just be able to walk away feeling like they’ve received an authentic and honest insight into a wonderfully different mind.